serene saturday morning....

Ahhhh. things are beginning to settle down. after a little over a year, i finally feel like i am making progress. it has everything has to with a job i enjoy. routine allows me to be sane and prioritize my passions. it is 8 in the morning and i am drinking coffee and writing in my blog. then yoga in an hour. i was given some alone time at brittany's house. brittany is out of town and kris has mabel. so i really do have a serene saturday morning.

i did some research on the word love yesterday. i am trying to fully understand what it means. i am in a situation that is forcing me to understand exactly what it is, how one attains it, and how one keeps it alive throughout a lifetime. i think my heart and brain are a little fucked when the concept of love is pondered. the biology and chemistry of love has always gotten me in trouble. i felt lust and acted on it immediately. now that i am a little older and wiser with a divorce under my belt, i am a lilttle numb to the scientific part of love.

now i am more interested in the traditional pure agape part of love. the chivalrious love. the one that reminds me of long lost romantic poets from the middle ages. the love that never fades. the love that fosters personal growth in a commited union.

gawd. this sounds totally hokey and way too intellectual. i can't just engage in a relationship anymore without understanding every millimeter of the connection. i can't really afford to make antother mistake. i feel so fragile with this area of my life. i am already a little numb to the idea of a relationship. the magnitude of the wall is really a little ridiculous. the man diet idea was funny but it had truth to it. it was a wall that i created to not get hurt and to not let myself make a mistake.

so now i am here. i have never been treated so well by a man in my life. i am teetering between fear and love. trying to understand one and reject the another. i am honest and true to myself. it is pure and innocent. there is no reason to not accept it as a gift. but every reason to treat it with care and allow it to grow slowly. no hastiness.

i have had some issues writing lately and i need to make sure i write every weekend. it is so hard to write during the week about myself. during the week i only think about my job. i need to start writng about my job during the week and my soul during the weekend.

Holy Shit

I jumped in head first with all my clothes on. I am supposed to be on a man diet. I am not supposed to stay in Lafayette. I am supposed to be stopping through. Working on my writing and being single. I was supposed to be single for the rest of my life. I was supposed to move to New York City and be a mean bitter person who hates relationships, children, and who wants to die alone.

But he ruined all my plans. He already loves every part of me. He already knows me. He doesn’t want to let me go. He wants to be my prince charming. He wants to share happy times and painful times. He wants to make coffee for two. He wants to give me back massages and softly kiss my whole body. He wants to get old and gray together. He wants to be my partner. He makes me feel beautiful. I glow. Is this really love? Or just another phase?

I want to safeguard his heart. I want to replace all his pain with my joy. I want to have patio conversations that last for hours over wine and pots of coffee. If I were to want to have children, it would be with him. I love to watch his mouth move as he tells stories in his vintage Cajun accent. He makes me laugh. I enjoy his swagger. He is intelligent and lives richly. He is this compelling concoction of humble and cocky. I want to spend my eternity with him under a little house.

How in such a short amount of time can this transpire? I am still healing. I said that dirty little “L” word. He said it first. I am trying to take everyday as it comes. I am trying to keep my head and my panties on. I want to run screaming in the other direction. I want to come up with some reason why this is not a good idea.

But I can find no reason. This year has inspired me to want so much more. I want joy, happiness, peace, and love. I want positive memories and positive people in my life. I want to know if I can only count on one person, it would be him. Someone just for me. Someone just for him.

I hate spiders

Rough day today. Totally typical of me to be overly dramatic about this. I have been through a lot this year. I freak out sometimes. But, if I have sleep I can cope.

I did not sleep last night. My grandmother's house scares me. I have now killed three of these giant spiders and found rat poop on the mattress. Nope. Can't do it. I would much rather live broke than deal with this nastiness. Maybe I am a princess. Maybe I would not be able to live off the fat of the land like I claim I could. I itch continuously when I am laying in bed at her house.

I went to bed with the lights on at 10:30. I drank copious amounts of sleepy time tea. I even have a hard time sitting on the potty afraid some spiders will come out of the toilet and bite my butt. I itch some more. I constantly opened my eyes to see if there was a spider or roach on the wall coming to get me. At two I moved the mattress into the living room, hoping I would feel more comfortable there. It was then I noticed the rat poop on the box spring. Fucking great, now I knew I really would not get to sleep. I busted into tears. I feel inclined to mention I have high anxiety and have a hard time freeing my mind of images like these. Ever seen that show "obsessed" (yeah, i am borderline crazy)?

There is no way I can do this every night. I wanted to stay at her house until Christmas. I wanted to get ahead on my bills. Wedding and knee surgery debt. I finally fell asleep at 3 in the morning. I woke up at 7. I went to get some coffee in the kitchen. I opened the fridge to get the milk out, poured it and clumps came out. SPOILED MILK.

So, like I said. I had a rough morning. I am looking for part time jobs to supplement my teaching job that I haven't even started yet.

My first day in Lafayette..

Has been simply delightful. I am so full of smiles and promise as I begin a brand new life. I already have plans EVERY SINGLE day this week. This alone is reason enough to have moved here. Cajun people LOVE to socialize. They love to see and be seen. The women around here are true Southern Belles. The vast majority of them all seem to be so beautifully put together. I can only hope that this rubs off on me. I am wearing make up again and whitening my teeth.

One thing that I noticed is that everything seems to be a mess here. Physically a mess. Buildings are not strategically placed like they are in Texas. There are overgrown yards everywhere. There is always trash laying around. Sidewalks in desperate need for a repair. This fits my life like a glove. I am a mess. My bank account is a mess. My truck is destroyed. I have a knack for getting into one car accidents all the time. I looked at my eyebrows today and they even looked like a train wreck. My purse had 5 dollars worth of change at the bottom and dollar bills floating around but no wallet. I think I am permanently morphing into a mess. I used to be such a control freak. I had to have a grasp over everything. Not anymore. I tend to really deal with things as they come up. More peace comes up this way.

I am a tad nervous about living with my grandmother, for two reasons. She never turns off FOX NEWS. Ever. That stuff playing in my ear makes me feel sick. I am learning to cope by playing my tunes religiously. The other reason is the massive amount of critters that live with her. There was a 2 inch spider in the bathroom sink this afternoon. GRODY!!!! A few weeks ago I woke up at 2 am with a giant cockroach crawling over my face. She is trying to remedy this problem with a large can of Raid that she sprays like air freshener. I tried to explain to her that she is giving me cancer along with killing bugs. I think I may just call an exterminator.

Saying Goodbye to San Marcos

Yesterday was my 1 year wedding anniversary. The day before that I was divorced. The day before that I got a job after 9 months of searching. Surreal. This whole year has been unbelievably surreal. I never would have thought that I would be saying goodbye to Texas and hello again to Louisiana. I have been in Texas for ELEVEN YEARS. The things I have experienced are priceless. I will soon manifest a document that chronicles these experiences. They are a little gory and raw...not easy reading blog material :)

I am saying good bye to three important friends today. I am a little sappy about it. It is a bittersweet thing. These friends have supported me and listened to me for countless agonizing hours regarding my broken heart. They are ridiculously happy for the new chapter that I am about to begin and even happier to have a fun place to visit.

I have been trying to suck up everything this weekend. Remembering things that I love about this place will be easy. The river is so pure and full of healing energy. A few weeks ago my neighbor read my Tarot. One of the things she told me that I need to do is leave my emotions at the river and stop trying to be in utter control of every detail of my life. So, I am leaving my emotions at the river. The bad ones, the hurt ones, the pitiful ones. I am leaving the old me and shedding the skin that is damaged. I am beginning a new life. I have no clue what adventures I will encounter in Lafayette.

I will continue my man diet and try to write about that. This will be difficult for two reasons. Cajun men are HOT. No need to go into detail, you all understand my weakness with HOT men. They are like my kryptonite(especially when they are a little dumb). People tend to mate and couple up in South Louisiana. It is like the biology of procreation is the driving force of all social interactions.

So, today I finish packing and enjoy my friends before I take off tomorrow morning. Free fallin' again. I am getting way too good at this.

On an early Louisiana morning.

I woke up early this morning and went for a walk down the street that I grew up on. I was amazed by the hundreds of frogs that live in the coulee's down Lagneaux Road. Anytime my shadow would graze the edge of the ditch, the little frogs would scramble and jump. It made me smile and then it made me cry. I was jumping all over the road watching all of these tiny frogs jump with my shadow. It was a sudden moment of happiness. I then went with my maw-maw to her rosary group (which I will blog about later). I ate shrimp gumbo for lunch and then drove through a rainstorm that cleared the air of humidity.

I have no idea where I am going to be next. Seriously. Are you guys sick of reading about my uncertainty? Because I am. I was asked by my aunt to move to California and be her nanny. It would be in the mountains. It would allow me to be silent and experience something different. I am not entirely sure if I will have anytime to myself to explore California. I am wondering if that is bringing me further from my need of stability. I still half want to move to Lafayette. It would be closer to friends and family, which supposedly are the main contributing factors for happiness.

I want to write. That is of utmost importance. Not blog writing...SERIOUS WRITING and sending to publishers. That requires a lot of free time and inspiration. I will have no inspiration in Austin. My time is done there. Will I have more inspiration in California in the mountains...or the place that I was raised in? ARGHHH.

I am so completely thankful for this time period in my life. I am not starving and all my bills are paid. I am growing. learning, and defining who I am on a continual basis. It is beautiful. I know God will take care of 'lil 'ol me. I am excited about the future.

This year is my year.

Tomorrow is the beginning of my 29th year. I will from here out celebrate my New Year's on my birthday. So. This is the eve of my New Year. You have been invited to celebrate with me. This time I am blogging a little differently. The last two ("Sunflowers and Rattlesnakes" and "Resurrection") were different phases of my life.

This will be my best year yet. I will write and send out my book finally. I will get it published. This year I am going on a man diet. Yes....you read that correctly a man diet. No man, no dates, no kissing, no what-have-you for a year. I need this year for me. This is the phoenix rising from the flame year. It is not too late to become the person that I have dreamed of being. This has come about because I have finally seen the light and I am not afraid of living anymore. This is the year I fall in love with myself, wholly and completely. This is the year I purify my body.

You see, I have to do this. I have to follow my heart. I have one life to live it to the best way that I see fit. I have been asleep for a decade. I am now ready to go back to that place of innocence in my heart where only honesty rules. I slept in a cold and dark place with a netting of grey surrounding me. I am awake now. I have never felt so awake before. Everything seems to have sparkles surrounding it. So thankful for the pain and pondering that it has allowed me to feel. I have always had this spark, it just needed a fresh place to ignite.

So Happy Birthday and Happy New Year to me!!! I am not letting "everyone" know about this blog yet. So, let's keep it between us, shall we. There are plenty of people that feel that their opinion is the one I should listen to the most. I just want to be surrounded by those that will support me in my journey.